The joy you feel after getting engaged is uncontainable. All you want to do is share the excitement. Your head is filled with the names of all the people you want to celebrate with at the wedding. The guest list might seem like an easy-breezy detail, but you’re going to need a strong backbone. Writing the list is easy, but making necessary cuts can get tricky. The tips below will give you an idea of where to start and how to deal with the tense circumstances that might arise.
Before a list can be written and invitations sent out, the budget needs to be finalized and the venue booked. You can’t invite guests until you know how much money you have to spend (invitations, food, favors, etc) and how many seats are available. Once those details are nailed down, you will have more accountability for inviting only the people who absolutely need to be at your wedding. This is your special day, and there will be more important things to splurge on than saving a spot for your mom’s bunkmate from 6th grade summer camp. Perhaps that’s a bit of an exaggeration for dramatic effect, but it could happen.
Decide what system you will be using for organization. It could be handwritten lists color-coded with highlighters and sticky notes or typed documents stored in labeled folders. You could also use an app such as Excel or a website such as The Knot. It doesn’t matter what you use as long as you will be comfortable with it for an extended period of time. You also need to consider the other people who will be involved. The system needs to have sharing capabilities so everyone is aware of what is going on at any given time.
If you allow your parents and in-laws to help, give them a fair share of involvement. Once you know the number of spots available for guests, divide it into equal parts or split it down the middle, giving the bride and groom one half and each set of parents one fourth. Establish rules regarding who can and cannot be invited. Make it clear that every single guest needs to be approved before invitations are sent out. Avoid compromise no matter how tense the circumstances may be. If one exception is made, you leave the door open for more exceptions which could potentially remove the list from your control. Remember that you get the final say because this is your wedding.
It is time to make the list! Much like an author starting an article or book, sit down and just start writing. For the time being, forget the budget and available seating. This is your ideal guest list, the names of every single person you want at your wedding. Depending on how long the first draft is, you may or may not be able to invite everybody. Now the downsizing begins. Make rules for who cannot be invited and stick to them. Common guidelines for editing include children of a certain age or none at all, +1s or just long-term boyfriends/girlfriends and spouses, and people you haven’t met or spoken to in recent years. No guilt invites! If you feel pressured to invite somebody, you should reconsider. Will it make any difference if they are present or not?
The first batch of invitations should be sent out at least three months in advance. If there are people who got cut that you still want in attendance, write their names down in order of priority. Once the RSVPs start arriving, figure out how many spaces remain vacant and fill them using your second list. Send the second batch of invitations at least two months before the wedding. Make sure the cut-off date for RSVPs is updated. You don’t want to accidentally offend somebody by revealing their position on the “B list.” Once the last RSVP is received, you have your final list of guests. Keep track of the contact information for future correspondence such as post-wedding thank you cards, pregnancy announcements, and anniversary invitations.
Wedding invitations can create awkward situations. You might run into somebody expecting an invitation that will never come. Problems might arise because you didn’t invite a relative you are not close with or a friend of a friend who has no connection to you. It is difficult to know what etiquette is appropriate under the circumstances. Just remember that honesty is the best policy. When talking to someone you know and trust, speak frankly about why the person in question is not invited. If you are conversing with an acquaintance, simpy state that there is limited space, and unfortunately not everybody could be invited. Of course you need to be considerate of feelings, but never feel pressured to blurt out an invitation. There is a reason that person did not make the cut so don’t make an exception just because they are talking directly to you. Another uncomfortable situation that could arise is someone inviting a +1 when the option is not available. The only exceptions should be spouses and long-term boyfriends/girlfriends. Print the name of the guest that is invited, including their date, and leave no space for writing in another name. If someone tries to break the rule regardless of the invitation, speak to them immediately and let them know there is no room for extra guests.
Building the guest list is no different from the other details you will handle while planning your wedding. Do some research, learn about potential problems, and plan accordingly. In this case, you are dealing with the feelings of people so find a balance between tact and resolution. You don’t have to walk on eggshells to avoid confrontation. This is your wedding therefore the guests are yours to invite. Be honest with people, and the rest is up to them. Now you have a list to compose. Start writing!
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